2017

Dear 2014 ~ 2015 me,

- You will find yourself in the same school as Yumi. She will text you happily and you will find that your undying crush on her will develop into affection.

- Joseph will prove to be the least of your concerns as you stumble home hand in hand with a boy who will never stop loving you no matter what kind of fuck up you are.

- You and Austin will remain in contact and he's still really nice.

- Your father will still be an ass but you'd be more determined to ignore him.

- Mom loves you. She's a dick, but she loves you and you know you love her too. It's easier to love someone who doesn't get you, never will get you, but still does everything she can to get you. She's infuriating, but at least she's trying.

- You will perform poetry at all these Open Mic events and you will find yourself overwhelmed. Don't worry. Your friends will be there for you, cheering in the audience.

- They will also buy you drinks while you're still too young to buy alcohol.

- You're not a girl. It's ok to feel that you're between genders. It's ok to identify differently.

- You're sick, darling. Get some help. Go see a doctor. Or if you're afraid, talk to your friends more. Talk about your problems. It'd be ok.

- I know you never talked about it here but you need to know that it's Ok to regret giving your virginity to Joseph. It's better to regret it than to realise you never said anything to your second sexual partner because you were afraid of him. Because you sensed violence and danger. It's better to just regret.

- School will keep being hell. But at least this time you can find some enjoyment from it.

- Yeah, you made the right call about the school counsellor. Don't let anybody convince you to do anything you're uncomfortable with. If context is really that important to you, stick with that.

- For the love of God, talk to Echo more. She's a good person. She has a good heart.

- You're gonna be alright, kid.

~Alexander, 2017
  18 years old.

- Also your line breaks are horrendous.

~2018 Alex

So We Broke Up

I guess I never talked about it here, that Jo and I dated once. For a bit of time, I'd say a month, we were together. And honestly, I don't think it went very well. I mean we didn't break up badly, but the fucker left me without an explanation. I had to go consult like 3~4 people be fore I got my answer, which I won't say because I would rather forget it.

(One guy said it was because his parents found out, another said it was because he didn't like me that way anymore. Couldn't tell which was the truth. Gave up in trying to figure out.)

While Jo and I were dating it was kinda... weird. We were together, but when I think about it I don't think I remembered much except the fact that we talked about the most normal things, held hands, had lunch, and... That was it. I think it was more present in the physical side than anything else. I really don't remember anything else.

The funny thing is after we broke up I had this weird obsession with the guy. Poor dude, I feel a little sorry. While I did my best to actively avoid him I was also actively trying to talk to him. Needless to say my grades went downhill from there. I think I became the clingy, annoying little sister. Until my friend had a crush on him, then I found myself letting go and getting a move on.

So hey, moral of the story is that I can go from sweet innocent child to creepy psychopathic stalker in less than 5.

5 what you say? Well...

5...

4...

3...

2...

1...

...

Better get running, fucker.

-Signing out, Kyoko

The Mask I Wear - Personality Complex

"See here the mask that I wear

Is slowly breaking.

Each time you tell me,

'You're a liar' and that would the be the truth

The real me right here...

Is loved more than anything

Please break the mask

Even if it scares me,

Even if these feelings are far too late,

I'm sure that I would make it in time.

And now,

I wonder if you'd still forgive me...

Pretend

"Let's pretend that I'm okay." 

Okay, I'm going to talk. And you're going to listen. 

I have deleted these sentences over 20 times.

I have procrastinated my homework since 5 hours ago.

I haven't done shit.

I'm tired.

I'm sad.

I'm scared.

I'm worried.

I don't know why either.

Typing like this helps.

"Let's Pretend I'm not screaming."

Today is a mess

Tomorrow is a deadline.

Yesterday was hell.

What's this week going to be like?

Suddenly I see that yellow circle.

A blue logo pops up

And I see his message.

Something in me is awake.

I type back my reply.

"Let's Pretend I'm happy."

Today is a mess

Tomorrow is a deadline.

Yesterday was okay.

This week was fun.

I saw that yellow circle

In it was a '1'

The blue logo was bright

And I saw his message.

Something in me was awakened.

And it is something we call 'love'.

He is my Support.


"Let's Pretend."

"I want to break the mask."
"You're beautiful"
"See, your mask is breaking."
"I want you to be happy."
"I want you to be you."
"I want you to be okay again."
"I want you to be smiling."

...

Today, I stopped pretending.











-I love you

Lonely

Ah, so it comes again,
The insomnia that takes me,
Consumes me and hates her.
It hates her, that one in the mirror.

The ‘me’ I see is so strange,
I’m confused by it all,
Afraid,
Deranged.

But then there’s you,
Who sees me differently.
The one behind the scenes,
Who doesn’t hate or despise me.

So now you’re busy,
And I’m supposed to be asleep.
But I’m not tired,
No, not in the slightest.

So I think I’d just sit here.
Just sit here alone.
I’m going to stay awake.
Just waiting…

But the truth is,
Despite it all,
Even though you’re not right here with me,
Somewhere far off away from my sight.

Despite all that,
I’d still sit here alone,
And through the lonely times…
I’d still wait…

Because all I ever wanted was to see you,
To hear you,
To know that you're safe.
All I ever wanted was you by my side.

That's why,
I'd still be here.
That's why,
I'd still wait...

...

Is that okay?

Try Me

So you come again,
Beating me up like you always do.
Tell me once more,
What makes your day?

Is it the way that I fall,
Or how it has been done so?
I see no point in defense,
As you always find a way.

Come by me twice more,
I'd show you what I'm made of.
Come by me fourfold,
I don't really care.

I don't have time for your petty things,
I don't have patience for your idiocy.
So if you decide to cross me this time,
Which I think is suicide.

Try me,
And I know I will win.
Try me,
And I will beat you down.

- A poem about my father.

Dear Yumi

Dear Yumi,

I don't know how long it would take for you to see this, but I'd write it anyway.

I don't think I'd ever be done telling you how much you mean to me, or that you'd ever truly realise how much you've done for me. I don't think I'd ever finish finding all those little details of yours, those that remind me how much I appreciate you.

As I write this today, on the 9th of November at 1:22AM, a Sunday, six days after my birthday, I remember the day I really, truly met you.

It was last year during Camp. We've known each other through the drama club back then, but weren't friends like that. We talked about Anime and stuff, because I was feeling lonely and maybe you thought I needed a friend. Whatever it was, somehow we started talking. I think we really started talking then, and that's the first time we talked. I mean, like, real talk.

The second time I spoke to you was during Christmas last year. We were at Wendi's place and we made Crepês and ate pizza. Echo and Wendi were talking about My Little Pony and the two of us just sat there not really knowing what was going on. So we talked about other stuff instead.

The third time was online. WhatsApp. The first KEYcrew chat happened, and Wendi found her friends. WhatsApp happened, then the fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh time we spoke with many more to come occurred. I've known you since last year; and a lot can happen within a year.

Maybe it will pass, like every crush that happens. I don't know. When people have crushes on people it doesn't usually last very long. Sometimes I hope it lasts a lifetime. Sometimes I prepare for the feelings to fade. But then I hold your hand and fall asleep on you, and that feeling reconciles, like it always does.

Heck if I know if we're gonna be friends for a long time. I don't have much control over that, even though I wish I did. Sometimes the world is against us. I used to have two other friends who we were so close from Primary school on. We stopped talking for some stupid reason, I would never figure out why. We went to different schools. We stopped talking. It was weird for a while until I made some new friends.

Maybe you'd tell me something different. Like we'd never be apart. You're not gonna leave me or Echo or Anna. Nobody's going anywhere, spiritually. We're all still be friends, no matter what happens. The thing is, we never considered that reality was pain. A lot of things happened that I knew was coming, like your prelims and Stepping Down, like the creation of KEYcrew and the fights in Fandom Wars. I knew they were coming and I anticipated so. I was ready. There were many, many things that made me laugh and cry, some that pissed me off and some that didn't. But I was ready for that. I was okay with it. Then it happened.

You graduated.

...

You graduated.

I wasn't ready. I saw it coming, right before my eyes. You studying for the GCSEs, you taking the papers. I saw how pressured you were to do it right, and I tried my best to make it better. But even though I knew it happened I couldn't really accept it. Until the year is over maybe I won't accept that you're no longer here. That you're not within reach, just downstairs in the New Block. Third floor, classroom right next to the IT room. That we can't ever just spontaneously look for each other after dismissal to get lunch without planning it first. It hurt. It hurt a lot.

I can hear rain outside. It's making me feel sleepy.

I want to believe that we could one day find ourselves at the same Polytechnic. Just end up at the same place. Not because of some crazy obsession with you (even though I do love you very much); more because I'd miss you a lot. I can't imagine being alone anymore. Not just you, I'd miss Anna and Echo too, if they were both to go to different places. I'm scared that we'd all end up somewhere different and we'd slowly drift apart and suddenly everything's gone. I'm scared.

I miss you every day. I like holding your hand and hugging you randomly. I like that you're shorter than I am and I can hug you like that. I like that I really really really love you because you're you. I like how cute you are. I like how you love stuffed animals. Don't deny that, you hug every single one you see.

In the end, I don't know when you'd see this. I just wrote an entire letter that would probably look better on a Christmas Card somewhere.

Yes, in the end, I can only write what I am too cowardly to say.

In the end, all I know to say is that I'd miss you very much. While this year's heading towards its end I will wait. And pretend. I'd pretend that you're not gone yet.

I'd always miss you, Yumi

I Love You.

-Kyoko.

I'm back

I've been away from this blog for a few months. And I must say a lot of things have changed around here. On my end. Let's start from where I left off.

The June holidays about a week since my last entry about five months ago. I had drama camp. I became an Exco member in drama. I'm Publicity Manager now. No longer "Drama Member". The camp was cool. I was Safety Officer and only had one major injury to attend to. I am awesome.

(I messed up on that job never make me Safety Officer or your life would be in danger. Forgot the First-Aid kit more than twice.)

My hair was a mess in camp. It wouldn't dry out and there weren't any hairdryers. I used a hand drying thing instead by sticking my head underneath it. All the Juniors were staring. Still didn't dry. Blame the weather. There isn't much memorable about camp though, although we did have a haunted house for the School's Family Day event. That was fun. I was a Chinese ghost, cosplayed as Flux!Nanosounds from the Yogscast. My act involved screaming at people after they walked past. That was fun. They freaked and ran really fast after that, so I hope that was the freakiest part. Mum and my Aunt got scared, maybe it was. Hope so. But all that screaming resulted in a sore throat and a lot of honey. It was worth it in the end though. I had fun.

I got past my Sexuality crisis. I'm Bi. Definitely Bi. Could be Pan, but I haven't come across a trans yet. But honestly, I wouldn't mind being with anyone. Maybe I am pan after all. I dunno. More research required in the field before I really understand what my sexuality is. At least I ticked "Straight" and "Lesbian" off the list.

I never talk about Yumi here, for some reason. Somehow she's been the one in the background even as my life surrounds her. She's the one who kept pushing me on after all. I don't give the poor girl enough credit. She's brilliant, beautiful, kind. Yumi actually gave me the strength to carry on. I think I would've punched the old me in the face for ever considering suicide. It was so stupid of me and I am so glad I never did it. I don't know if she saved me. I think I was already okay before she came in. I just needed a final push to find all the pieces of me. She took care of me, spent time with me even though she had other people who are likely to be worth more of her time. (Like Anna. That girl's a legend. But more on her later.) I realise that I have always overlooked what was going on around me. So preoccupied with what was going on with me, I became blind. Now I can see. Yumi's that friend I never gave credit for. And I'm so lucky to have her, and I love her with all my heart.

We're not dating. But I would love to date her. What can I say? I have a crush on Yumi now. Took me a while.

I never talk about Anna either. She's like the old me, the 'me' I would've facepalmed at and then punched. But not Anna, I'd never punch Anna. I'd hug her instead. The old me. Harsh, rude, blunt, self-centered... I don't think I'd ever truly forget my past. And Anna is the same. It was me all over again, and I can see it happening in her. Anna... She's lonely. She's been the outcast for a long time. Maybe longer than I had, but I've been the outcast all my life.

(Though Anna's a year older so maybe)

She cries too. She looks strong, but Anna cries. I used to cry like that too. I still do, sometimes. But the difference is with me and her is that nobody noticed me. But I noticed Anna. How could I ignore it? The tone, the harshness... It was me again. I saw the signs. How can I ignore it, when I could see the signs of someone falling down into this endless pit?

Honestly, I see my past in Anna. My entire life in another person, older than me. I realised how much a friend could impact a person. And I never had a friend like Anna or Yumi or Echo. I was always alone until this year. I didn't mind it at first because I thought that was it. That was my life. That I was cursed to be lonely forever and nothing could save me. I was a lone wolf who could never find a pack that accepted me for who I was. I was like the Moon moon of every clique I tried. "Oh god who brought fucking Kyoko along." "See how nice it is when we don't bring Kyoko along?" I always got those. Always. All my life. From when I was in Primary school - maybe even before, but my memory doesn't go that far - until around Sec 2. And I hated it. I despised it. I wished for a friend I cried every time I realised I've been played for a fool. And then I began to think it was something to do with me. But then I realised that finding friends was a thing where we trial and error. You can't walk into a clique thinking they'd accept you. Somehow, every clique and every single storm that had broken you would change you in a certain way until you find the pieces of yourself again and fit them back properly. You find yourself. And in the meantime, maybe you'd find your friends. It could happen before, or after. Sometimes the friends you're looking for has the pieces. Who knows? It's funny, you know how you're always looking for something but never find it no matter how hard you look, but when you're not looking for it it magically appears? That's how friendship is like. The more you chase it the more it evades you. But if you turn your attention to other things, it'd come sit softly on your shoulder.

I really started putting effort in being a good friend to Anna… Because of some things.

Okay I'd admit. I didn't like her. I thought she was loco. Batshit crazy. And mean. I didn't quite like her until I looked back at myself. I was the same. And when I got to know her better… She wasn't that bad. She wasn't bad at all. She was my friend from then on. Not exactly close, but I decided I'd be nice to people. So I stuck around, trying to get to know Anna better.

You know how sometimes you watch someone walk away, and you suddenly see a lot of things? The way they just walk away without looking back and it just hits you.

That happened when one day I just happened to walk back with Anna one day - more out of courtesy than anything else - and we talked about stuff. And slowly as we talked I started to realise how she would cut herself off sometimes when she got excited, like she was shutting herself down. I used to do that a lot, because people shut me down. And then I started to see me in another form. In the form of a 16-year-old fellow Potterhead. I saw more of myself. The apologising, the sense of humour, the slightly harsh wording because of the lack of ability to think of a better way to phrase things mostly due to the lack of experience in speech. It was me all over again. And then when Anna had to leave I watched her walk away and it just hit me :

She never turned back to look. It's a huge body language. Because you don't think you mean enough to someone to look back and see them watching you leave. Or that they mean enough to look back at either. Because so many storms has broken you and you just think that there's no point. Why bother, because they're all going to leave anyway. And suddenly I remembered every lunch period when I went to look for Yumi I saw Anna. Always there. She was never with other people, just PJ and maybe some other people. And it just hit me so fast it completely bypassed thought. I mark it as the day I realised how much of an ass I was. I was such a complete arse. How could I have missed this? All of that body language, every time I saw her. I call myself observant but I missed out all these huge signs and hints. When I thought about it I remembered myself. Sec 1, Isolation, Ostracism and Bullying. Sec 2, Isolation and Ostracism. It got better, no doubt, but it still hurt like a b*tch. Primary school? All of the above. Cliques? Yeah right. Friends? Didn't have them. I was lost but I didn't even know it. And so Anna is here and I don't want her to be like me, needing to crawl out of the pit someone put me into without anyone to support. I didn't have a friend who saved me as a whole. I saved half of myself. And now I see Anna and you think I can ignore that? I decided to be that friend. That friend I always waited for but never came. I have a policy of "if it doesn't exist do it yourself" and so I did. If I wanted it done right I had to do it myself.

So I became that friend. That friend who did her best to help cheer someone up, who helped divert attention from the sad things to something happier. I used my writing skills to cheer someone up and I realised how a simple "You're Awesome" could really brighten someone's day. And when Anna talked about I listened and I understood as much as I could. I don't always get everything. But I try my best. I try to make things better, just by a little bit. If I could make you feel better, even just a little, a teeny little atom bit happier, I would do whatever it took. Because that's the kind of friend I always wanted to have and always wondered existed. And if I thought : "If I could be that friend, just maybe I could find that happiness. Maybe I'd find that friend I always wanted."

But now the motive has changed. I don't need that friend any more. Because my whole life what I've been trying to find was myself. I'm now that friend because it's who I realised I was best at being. I'm not a person with a comedian sense of humour, I can't make people laugh out loud just by saying a few things. But I could word things that made people smile. Or I could at least try. I don't know how much I could make you smile but if I could make you crack a small one, or make you giggle at how ridiculous I sound… I would do it. Because that's the kind of person I want everyone to have. That's the person I want everyone to be able to have, to lean on, to depend on to hear them out. Who'd laugh with them, who'd cry with them. Who'd always be there in general. And when I looked at Anna I realised that she was the person who needed someone like that. And I wanted to be that someone for her. Because something so simple, something that could come in the form of myself… I would. I hate seeing people sad. And for someone who used to always be thay sad person who never had anyone, I wanted to be there for people because I didn't want them to experience the things I had to go through any longer. If I had the power to make them feel happy, like they're worth something, I would use it. And I would tell them that they mean so much to me. They are my world. My everything. Because without them I'd be nothing.

Yumi fixed me. Echo pushed me on. And Anna... Anna gave me some sort of enlightenment, haha. I love them so much. I really, really do.

-Kyoko OUT-

The answer was yes

I kinda wish I talked to him more often. It feels like there's only one guy who doesn't let me fall apart. And when I do he fixes me. That guy was Jo. Still is and might always be. I feel bad. I don't even know how to feel. I liked the guy and I still do. I was once in love and I still am. But I don't get why I stopped talking to him or why I stopped talking to him in school. When did I stop being his best friend? When did I stop caring? Wait, I never stopped caring. Hell I care too much as a matter of fact. So I've been ignoring everyonem. In fact I've been doing that to everyone. I'm the one who's distant. Not them...

Maybe. I guess.

Today I made my second cut. With a metal ruler not a penknife. No big deal it's just red and a little swollen and no blood. The other day I ended up hitting my heas against the wall because I couldn't fucking use the knife. I mean I want to feel pain not die. The penknives are all rusty, and I would rather not die if all I want to do is feel something different from despairing pain.

Does anyone care any more?

I hate how mum doesn't get it. What does she think I do in my room, slack all day? I draw a little when I feel like it, and what is my Math Textbook doing in my room, huh. I FUCKING STUDY. I'M A FUCKING STUDENT IT IS MY FUCKING JOB. IT'S NOT LIKE I'M NOT DOING IT. YOU JUST NEVER NOTICE. I MEAN IT EVERY TIME I TELL YOU I DID MY WORK. I. FUCKING. MEANT. IT. This is why I wanted to die. This is the reason why I felt like decapitating myself. This is the bloody reason why I fell into depression and I can't even blame her because it's socially wrong. Society tells you never to blame your parents. "Oh you got depression? Too bad, it must have started from you somehow. Your parents don't cause depression they're your parents." Yeahhh that is totally NOT the reason why I have depression! Yeah, it's totally not possible to get depression from being misunderstood, never being given a chance to prove yourself, been given up on by the FUCKING PEOPLE WHO MEAN THE MOST TO YOU.

I lost faith in humanity the moment mum and dad gave up on me. They don't care about me anymore. Mum didn't even believe the counsellor when she told her that I had depression. She believed it once and never did again. She doesn't care anymore. She doesn't believe me anymore, she doesn't understand anymore, she now serious doesn't give a single fuck about me. And don't say that deep down she does. She doesn't. I can swear on it. Yesterday I passed out in my room on the floor for some reason. When I woke up I was in the same position, and when I tried to tell mum she said "Oh I thought you were just being lazy and fell asleep." THERE. SOLID PROOF RIGHT THERE. CASE CLOSED, MOTHER OFFICIALLY DOESN'T CARE. She meant the most to me, but what am I to her? I'm just a kid. If I died she can get another.

I'm... A toy. If it broke take it back to the store and get a new one. Life is a play with a lousy plot.

I'm not sure how to feel. I want to believe that mum still cares but I can't. I lost all confidence I had in myself. I bought the assessment because I realised the ones I already had fucking sucked, because I did them and nothing I did came up. And if this one works for the class genius it'd work for me. Mother doesn't understand it. I don't think she cares anymore. I don't know. I don't want to lose her, I lost Echo, I lost Jo, I lost Yumi, I lost everyone. I'm starting to feel distant from them, like they all exist in another world that isn't mine. I'm all alone in this world. But I wasn't always alone... Until now. And now, even mother has gone. She has given up on me now.

So do I have a reason not to give up on myself?

UPDATE : I just deleted all the selfies with my ugly face in it. See how many people notice.

Emergency

Today's the day we get back our Mid Year Exam results. I failed math again but it's not like I don't study or anything. I just don't do math. I JUST DON'T DO MATH. It's not like I'm not TRYING or anything. I WORK AND WORK AND WORK AND STUDY AND PRACTICE AND I. STILL. FUCKING. FAIL.

Not lookong forward to what they are going to say. It's always the same thing.

"You're not working hard enough."
"I might as well give up with you! What am I working so hard for?"
"You can pass but you choose not to!"
"You need to study more!"
"Study!"
"Study!"
"STUDY!!!"

Urgh. I hate those people. I hate them. I hate how my parents don't get how sometimes we try as hard as we can, but still fail. They must've gotten a flunk grade at least once in their lives.

They just won't tell me that, would they?

EDIT : FML. The school wants to meet them on Thursday. I'm fucked. I am so fucked. I am so, so, so FUCKED. Side note : Things have gotten awkward between me and Echo. But it's one - sided. Just awkward for me. Echo was flattered. Just that she doesn't swing that way. It sucks. It really really sucks.

Sigh... I'm lost.

I Think I Still Miss You

It was raining yesterday. Every time it rains, I think of him. The guy I had never met but can still see in the back of my mind. I can see the eyes that looked so much like mine, the shape of his lips, so much like mine. I wish he still existed. I wished I met him at least once... But I guess in this world, he can't exist. I wonder if I'd find him one day in another world, another life.

Onii chan... I miss you...

We're all just weird kids in the end

So... I actually went and saw the school counsellor. I haven't gone for a follow - up yet, maybe I'd go later or something.

I think it doesn't matter if people know or not. In the end it's just another sob story to them. In the end, all they believe is what they are told. And I won't tell. The only other person who knows clearly and exactly what is going on... Is Jo. The guy who's been reading this blog. I forgot that he reads it too. But I can't just put my posts on twitter or tumblr. The whole world would literally find out tomorrow.

Sigh. I'm lost.

"Attention...
I'd walk you through this slowly if you're  still listening.
Here's your penny back for

STEALING OUR THOUGHTS

All for the sake of wanting more...
But one day we might find
That piece of mind
That we lost in the first place.

I know the way I wanna be,
But I'm trapped in who I am.
The only thing that holds me back is,
Believing that, I needed change.

We are,
The only friends we have.
So if there's nothing left,
And we fall,
We don't fall apart."

-We are the In Crowd, "Attention"

So Jo told Echo I had a crush on her. Big deal everybody has a crush.

Except, I'm a girl, and Echo's a girl. Now that's a problem. Course I don't plan on confronting Jo but now my Asshole of a friend decided to tell her I actually like her. Urgh. She's never gonna want to hang around me anymore. I'm never gonna be able to get my "Bisexual lady perks" again. Every hug would be awkward, every time.

Fuck you Jo, just fuck you.

HAHA no.

Nobody is gonna read this blog. Ever. Hahaha shows how insignificant I am in the world. So if I die nobody is gonna be sad. Even mom said that. "If I die will you be sad?"
"Die die lor."

Yeah, very sensitive mom. But she can't be sensitive about what she doesn't know. Meaning she meant it, and it was what she really thinks. So I'm sorted for my parents. As to friends... They'd find new ones. They'll be fine. So I have literally no reason not to die. Awesome. Yeah it's so awesone. Except, the window grilles are always locked, the school keeps their rooftop gates locked ever since my last attempt (which was two years ago, in a different school, which didn't make the papers, but still), so all I've got is that gas stove and a pair of scissors. And kitchen knives. I still want something more efficient so I don't have to suffer more than I am now. I texted Echo but she hasn't replied. I guess I still have trouble saying a simple "I love you" before I end it. Hell, the only person I have a crush on is straight and won't ever love me back but still. Jo is great, I know he is. I like him, I love that guy. But he knows that. So he'd be okay. But Echo? Echo would never know how I feel about her. And I'm scared I won't ever have the chance to. Why is it so hard to confess to her... Because she knows I'm Bisexual? Because she is freaking perfect? Because I care for her so much that I don't know how to feel.

I love you Renee/Echo/Eskyla. I love you. I love you. I love you. And when I say that I mean I want to marry you kind of love you. But you won't ever love me back... You won't...

Sigh.. I'm lost.

So now what

I faked sickness to get out of going to school today. I owe fifty teachers five million worksheets, what else could I have done. I don't know. I don't know. I'm confused and afraid. I don't want to step out that door, I don't ever want to have to put on that uniform and walk out the door again. Please don't make me do this, please don't make me go see the councillor, she'd only use me as a case study, nothing more. To them I'd only be a subject to be studied, under the ruse of them trying to help. I don't know anything anymore. I'm scared, I'm lost. I'm so scared of what people would think when they see me walk out of that office, or worse, walk in. I'm nervous all the time, when I go out in public or when I talk to people or I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW! I'M SCARED I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

Please... If you're reading this, I'm scared. I need help...

Somebody... Please help me. Tell me what I should do. Tell me what I should do to end this cycle without going to the councillor. But nobody reads this blog anyway. I'd probably be dead before anyone reads this.

Should I, should I not

I might have exaggerated a little when I told my teacher about my condition. But I refuse to tell my parents. I refuse. I refuse to tell the school councillor, who is only going to take me as a case study. He swore that the counsellor was a "good person". SHE'S GETTING PAID. OF COURSE SHE WOULD BE. I'm so confused. I hide under my bed every day, afraid. I don't hallucinate so much anymore, which is good. Sort of. I still panic a lot. I'm trying to recover but I can't. Breathing only makes it worse and I don't understand why. I'm scared, I'm lost. I don't know what to do. I need help but I'm scared to ask for it. I don't know what's causing it so would people think I'm faking it? A lot of things happen and you don't know why. Most of the time there's no explanation to things. SOME THINGS DON'T MAKE SENSE. Example number 1 : My existence doesn't make sense. Example Number 2 : My life doesn't make sense.

So nothing makes sense. It is true. Nothing you do makes sense. Nothing makes sense.

Nothing.

Ever.

Will.

Make.

Sense.

Fuck I'm gonna die.

BAD END : Epilogue

I backed out. I was too scared. I couldn't... jump off. I was so scared like the last two times I tried. Maybe I should just slit my throat. But ah... I feel like I need something quicker, you know?

Do you know how I feel?

My mother... SHE THINKS SHE UNDERSTANDS. SHE THINKS HER SILLY NONSTOP WORRYING AND RESEARCHING IS A PANIC ATTACK. She doesn't know how it feels... I don't blame her... BUT THINKING IT'S NOT SERIOUS?! I hallucinate about the world changing at my feet, I believe that people with giant dragon heads are coming to burn me at every corner of the street. I can see monsters on an empty street, a woman with an umbrella; a champion with her sword... I hallucinate every day... Does she...? DOES SHE?! NO. SHE DOES  NOT. SO HELL IF IT'S NOT SERIOUS. HELL IS MERCY FOR ME. I AM LIVING A LIFE WORSE THAN HELL.

I WANT TO DIE!!!

If I jumped from here, will I find myself in a better place...?

Well. Only one way to find out...

Daily Life; Deadly Life

Today, I felt away from myself. I think it was the prospect of hanging out with two people that are close friends, and you don't actually feel like you belong anywhere.

I had more panic attacks, which was funny because the exams are over. It felt like heart attack and... I'm scared it'd kill me one day. I feel so suffocated, trapped. I'm so scared. I'm so afraid of it. I don't ever want to go out again. What if I die outside. What if, what if I die. Or what if I go crazy and have to be admitted to an asylum? I don't want... I don't want to die... I'm afraid.

Please...

Somebody help me.

Well, Tomorrow has arrived

So today I got locked out of most of my games, but I managed to get back on most of them except LoL, Wonderking and Maple. *cries silently in corner*. I am gonna have to recreate my accounts. Dammit. Oh well.

Anyway I signed up for Smite because of one guy in particular... *Glares at Haru*. So in the end... I am on Smite after all. Sigh.

So today's a new day. Tonight is tomorrow. So yeah cool. I'm feeling good. Today is my last paper, so I can play Minecraft now yay~

Probably gonna get drunk. Haha just kidding I'm a minor what am I talking about. (Damn I can't wait to be 21...)

So... Yeah. This concludes today's journal entry.

-Kyoko OUT-

Signed

Kyoko Sora
A.k.a
Amelia Esqueleto