2017

Dear 2014 ~ 2015 me,

- You will find yourself in the same school as Yumi. She will text you happily and you will find that your undying crush on her will develop into affection.

- Joseph will prove to be the least of your concerns as you stumble home hand in hand with a boy who will never stop loving you no matter what kind of fuck up you are.

- You and Austin will remain in contact and he's still really nice.

- Your father will still be an ass but you'd be more determined to ignore him.

- Mom loves you. She's a dick, but she loves you and you know you love her too. It's easier to love someone who doesn't get you, never will get you, but still does everything she can to get you. She's infuriating, but at least she's trying.

- You will perform poetry at all these Open Mic events and you will find yourself overwhelmed. Don't worry. Your friends will be there for you, cheering in the audience.

- They will also buy you drinks while you're still too young to buy alcohol.

- You're not a girl. It's ok to feel that you're between genders. It's ok to identify differently.

- You're sick, darling. Get some help. Go see a doctor. Or if you're afraid, talk to your friends more. Talk about your problems. It'd be ok.

- I know you never talked about it here but you need to know that it's Ok to regret giving your virginity to Joseph. It's better to regret it than to realise you never said anything to your second sexual partner because you were afraid of him. Because you sensed violence and danger. It's better to just regret.

- School will keep being hell. But at least this time you can find some enjoyment from it.

- Yeah, you made the right call about the school counsellor. Don't let anybody convince you to do anything you're uncomfortable with. If context is really that important to you, stick with that.

- For the love of God, talk to Echo more. She's a good person. She has a good heart.

- You're gonna be alright, kid.

~Alexander, 2017
  18 years old.

- Also your line breaks are horrendous.

~2018 Alex

So We Broke Up

I guess I never talked about it here, that Jo and I dated once. For a bit of time, I'd say a month, we were together. And honestly, I don't think it went very well. I mean we didn't break up badly, but the fucker left me without an explanation. I had to go consult like 3~4 people be fore I got my answer, which I won't say because I would rather forget it.

(One guy said it was because his parents found out, another said it was because he didn't like me that way anymore. Couldn't tell which was the truth. Gave up in trying to figure out.)

While Jo and I were dating it was kinda... weird. We were together, but when I think about it I don't think I remembered much except the fact that we talked about the most normal things, held hands, had lunch, and... That was it. I think it was more present in the physical side than anything else. I really don't remember anything else.

The funny thing is after we broke up I had this weird obsession with the guy. Poor dude, I feel a little sorry. While I did my best to actively avoid him I was also actively trying to talk to him. Needless to say my grades went downhill from there. I think I became the clingy, annoying little sister. Until my friend had a crush on him, then I found myself letting go and getting a move on.

So hey, moral of the story is that I can go from sweet innocent child to creepy psychopathic stalker in less than 5.

5 what you say? Well...

5...

4...

3...

2...

1...

...

Better get running, fucker.

-Signing out, Kyoko

The Mask I Wear - Personality Complex

"See here the mask that I wear

Is slowly breaking.

Each time you tell me,

'You're a liar' and that would the be the truth

The real me right here...

Is loved more than anything

Please break the mask

Even if it scares me,

Even if these feelings are far too late,

I'm sure that I would make it in time.

And now,

I wonder if you'd still forgive me...

Pretend

"Let's pretend that I'm okay." 

Okay, I'm going to talk. And you're going to listen. 

I have deleted these sentences over 20 times.

I have procrastinated my homework since 5 hours ago.

I haven't done shit.

I'm tired.

I'm sad.

I'm scared.

I'm worried.

I don't know why either.

Typing like this helps.

"Let's Pretend I'm not screaming."

Today is a mess

Tomorrow is a deadline.

Yesterday was hell.

What's this week going to be like?

Suddenly I see that yellow circle.

A blue logo pops up

And I see his message.

Something in me is awake.

I type back my reply.

"Let's Pretend I'm happy."

Today is a mess

Tomorrow is a deadline.

Yesterday was okay.

This week was fun.

I saw that yellow circle

In it was a '1'

The blue logo was bright

And I saw his message.

Something in me was awakened.

And it is something we call 'love'.

He is my Support.


"Let's Pretend."

"I want to break the mask."
"You're beautiful"
"See, your mask is breaking."
"I want you to be happy."
"I want you to be you."
"I want you to be okay again."
"I want you to be smiling."

...

Today, I stopped pretending.











-I love you

Lonely

Ah, so it comes again,
The insomnia that takes me,
Consumes me and hates her.
It hates her, that one in the mirror.

The ‘me’ I see is so strange,
I’m confused by it all,
Afraid,
Deranged.

But then there’s you,
Who sees me differently.
The one behind the scenes,
Who doesn’t hate or despise me.

So now you’re busy,
And I’m supposed to be asleep.
But I’m not tired,
No, not in the slightest.

So I think I’d just sit here.
Just sit here alone.
I’m going to stay awake.
Just waiting…

But the truth is,
Despite it all,
Even though you’re not right here with me,
Somewhere far off away from my sight.

Despite all that,
I’d still sit here alone,
And through the lonely times…
I’d still wait…

Because all I ever wanted was to see you,
To hear you,
To know that you're safe.
All I ever wanted was you by my side.

That's why,
I'd still be here.
That's why,
I'd still wait...

...

Is that okay?

Try Me

So you come again,
Beating me up like you always do.
Tell me once more,
What makes your day?

Is it the way that I fall,
Or how it has been done so?
I see no point in defense,
As you always find a way.

Come by me twice more,
I'd show you what I'm made of.
Come by me fourfold,
I don't really care.

I don't have time for your petty things,
I don't have patience for your idiocy.
So if you decide to cross me this time,
Which I think is suicide.

Try me,
And I know I will win.
Try me,
And I will beat you down.

- A poem about my father.

Dear Yumi

Dear Yumi,

I don't know how long it would take for you to see this, but I'd write it anyway.

I don't think I'd ever be done telling you how much you mean to me, or that you'd ever truly realise how much you've done for me. I don't think I'd ever finish finding all those little details of yours, those that remind me how much I appreciate you.

As I write this today, on the 9th of November at 1:22AM, a Sunday, six days after my birthday, I remember the day I really, truly met you.

It was last year during Camp. We've known each other through the drama club back then, but weren't friends like that. We talked about Anime and stuff, because I was feeling lonely and maybe you thought I needed a friend. Whatever it was, somehow we started talking. I think we really started talking then, and that's the first time we talked. I mean, like, real talk.

The second time I spoke to you was during Christmas last year. We were at Wendi's place and we made Crepês and ate pizza. Echo and Wendi were talking about My Little Pony and the two of us just sat there not really knowing what was going on. So we talked about other stuff instead.

The third time was online. WhatsApp. The first KEYcrew chat happened, and Wendi found her friends. WhatsApp happened, then the fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh time we spoke with many more to come occurred. I've known you since last year; and a lot can happen within a year.

Maybe it will pass, like every crush that happens. I don't know. When people have crushes on people it doesn't usually last very long. Sometimes I hope it lasts a lifetime. Sometimes I prepare for the feelings to fade. But then I hold your hand and fall asleep on you, and that feeling reconciles, like it always does.

Heck if I know if we're gonna be friends for a long time. I don't have much control over that, even though I wish I did. Sometimes the world is against us. I used to have two other friends who we were so close from Primary school on. We stopped talking for some stupid reason, I would never figure out why. We went to different schools. We stopped talking. It was weird for a while until I made some new friends.

Maybe you'd tell me something different. Like we'd never be apart. You're not gonna leave me or Echo or Anna. Nobody's going anywhere, spiritually. We're all still be friends, no matter what happens. The thing is, we never considered that reality was pain. A lot of things happened that I knew was coming, like your prelims and Stepping Down, like the creation of KEYcrew and the fights in Fandom Wars. I knew they were coming and I anticipated so. I was ready. There were many, many things that made me laugh and cry, some that pissed me off and some that didn't. But I was ready for that. I was okay with it. Then it happened.

You graduated.

...

You graduated.

I wasn't ready. I saw it coming, right before my eyes. You studying for the GCSEs, you taking the papers. I saw how pressured you were to do it right, and I tried my best to make it better. But even though I knew it happened I couldn't really accept it. Until the year is over maybe I won't accept that you're no longer here. That you're not within reach, just downstairs in the New Block. Third floor, classroom right next to the IT room. That we can't ever just spontaneously look for each other after dismissal to get lunch without planning it first. It hurt. It hurt a lot.

I can hear rain outside. It's making me feel sleepy.

I want to believe that we could one day find ourselves at the same Polytechnic. Just end up at the same place. Not because of some crazy obsession with you (even though I do love you very much); more because I'd miss you a lot. I can't imagine being alone anymore. Not just you, I'd miss Anna and Echo too, if they were both to go to different places. I'm scared that we'd all end up somewhere different and we'd slowly drift apart and suddenly everything's gone. I'm scared.

I miss you every day. I like holding your hand and hugging you randomly. I like that you're shorter than I am and I can hug you like that. I like that I really really really love you because you're you. I like how cute you are. I like how you love stuffed animals. Don't deny that, you hug every single one you see.

In the end, I don't know when you'd see this. I just wrote an entire letter that would probably look better on a Christmas Card somewhere.

Yes, in the end, I can only write what I am too cowardly to say.

In the end, all I know to say is that I'd miss you very much. While this year's heading towards its end I will wait. And pretend. I'd pretend that you're not gone yet.

I'd always miss you, Yumi

I Love You.

-Kyoko.