The answer was yes

I kinda wish I talked to him more often. It feels like there's only one guy who doesn't let me fall apart. And when I do he fixes me. That guy was Jo. Still is and might always be. I feel bad. I don't even know how to feel. I liked the guy and I still do. I was once in love and I still am. But I don't get why I stopped talking to him or why I stopped talking to him in school. When did I stop being his best friend? When did I stop caring? Wait, I never stopped caring. Hell I care too much as a matter of fact. So I've been ignoring everyonem. In fact I've been doing that to everyone. I'm the one who's distant. Not them...

Maybe. I guess.

Today I made my second cut. With a metal ruler not a penknife. No big deal it's just red and a little swollen and no blood. The other day I ended up hitting my heas against the wall because I couldn't fucking use the knife. I mean I want to feel pain not die. The penknives are all rusty, and I would rather not die if all I want to do is feel something different from despairing pain.

Does anyone care any more?

I hate how mum doesn't get it. What does she think I do in my room, slack all day? I draw a little when I feel like it, and what is my Math Textbook doing in my room, huh. I FUCKING STUDY. I'M A FUCKING STUDENT IT IS MY FUCKING JOB. IT'S NOT LIKE I'M NOT DOING IT. YOU JUST NEVER NOTICE. I MEAN IT EVERY TIME I TELL YOU I DID MY WORK. I. FUCKING. MEANT. IT. This is why I wanted to die. This is the reason why I felt like decapitating myself. This is the bloody reason why I fell into depression and I can't even blame her because it's socially wrong. Society tells you never to blame your parents. "Oh you got depression? Too bad, it must have started from you somehow. Your parents don't cause depression they're your parents." Yeahhh that is totally NOT the reason why I have depression! Yeah, it's totally not possible to get depression from being misunderstood, never being given a chance to prove yourself, been given up on by the FUCKING PEOPLE WHO MEAN THE MOST TO YOU.

I lost faith in humanity the moment mum and dad gave up on me. They don't care about me anymore. Mum didn't even believe the counsellor when she told her that I had depression. She believed it once and never did again. She doesn't care anymore. She doesn't believe me anymore, she doesn't understand anymore, she now serious doesn't give a single fuck about me. And don't say that deep down she does. She doesn't. I can swear on it. Yesterday I passed out in my room on the floor for some reason. When I woke up I was in the same position, and when I tried to tell mum she said "Oh I thought you were just being lazy and fell asleep." THERE. SOLID PROOF RIGHT THERE. CASE CLOSED, MOTHER OFFICIALLY DOESN'T CARE. She meant the most to me, but what am I to her? I'm just a kid. If I died she can get another.

I'm... A toy. If it broke take it back to the store and get a new one. Life is a play with a lousy plot.

I'm not sure how to feel. I want to believe that mum still cares but I can't. I lost all confidence I had in myself. I bought the assessment because I realised the ones I already had fucking sucked, because I did them and nothing I did came up. And if this one works for the class genius it'd work for me. Mother doesn't understand it. I don't think she cares anymore. I don't know. I don't want to lose her, I lost Echo, I lost Jo, I lost Yumi, I lost everyone. I'm starting to feel distant from them, like they all exist in another world that isn't mine. I'm all alone in this world. But I wasn't always alone... Until now. And now, even mother has gone. She has given up on me now.

So do I have a reason not to give up on myself?

UPDATE : I just deleted all the selfies with my ugly face in it. See how many people notice.

Emergency

Today's the day we get back our Mid Year Exam results. I failed math again but it's not like I don't study or anything. I just don't do math. I JUST DON'T DO MATH. It's not like I'm not TRYING or anything. I WORK AND WORK AND WORK AND STUDY AND PRACTICE AND I. STILL. FUCKING. FAIL.

Not lookong forward to what they are going to say. It's always the same thing.

"You're not working hard enough."
"I might as well give up with you! What am I working so hard for?"
"You can pass but you choose not to!"
"You need to study more!"
"Study!"
"Study!"
"STUDY!!!"

Urgh. I hate those people. I hate them. I hate how my parents don't get how sometimes we try as hard as we can, but still fail. They must've gotten a flunk grade at least once in their lives.

They just won't tell me that, would they?

EDIT : FML. The school wants to meet them on Thursday. I'm fucked. I am so fucked. I am so, so, so FUCKED. Side note : Things have gotten awkward between me and Echo. But it's one - sided. Just awkward for me. Echo was flattered. Just that she doesn't swing that way. It sucks. It really really sucks.

Sigh... I'm lost.

I Think I Still Miss You

It was raining yesterday. Every time it rains, I think of him. The guy I had never met but can still see in the back of my mind. I can see the eyes that looked so much like mine, the shape of his lips, so much like mine. I wish he still existed. I wished I met him at least once... But I guess in this world, he can't exist. I wonder if I'd find him one day in another world, another life.

Onii chan... I miss you...

We're all just weird kids in the end

So... I actually went and saw the school counsellor. I haven't gone for a follow - up yet, maybe I'd go later or something.

I think it doesn't matter if people know or not. In the end it's just another sob story to them. In the end, all they believe is what they are told. And I won't tell. The only other person who knows clearly and exactly what is going on... Is Jo. The guy who's been reading this blog. I forgot that he reads it too. But I can't just put my posts on twitter or tumblr. The whole world would literally find out tomorrow.

Sigh. I'm lost.

"Attention...
I'd walk you through this slowly if you're  still listening.
Here's your penny back for

STEALING OUR THOUGHTS

All for the sake of wanting more...
But one day we might find
That piece of mind
That we lost in the first place.

I know the way I wanna be,
But I'm trapped in who I am.
The only thing that holds me back is,
Believing that, I needed change.

We are,
The only friends we have.
So if there's nothing left,
And we fall,
We don't fall apart."

-We are the In Crowd, "Attention"

So Jo told Echo I had a crush on her. Big deal everybody has a crush.

Except, I'm a girl, and Echo's a girl. Now that's a problem. Course I don't plan on confronting Jo but now my Asshole of a friend decided to tell her I actually like her. Urgh. She's never gonna want to hang around me anymore. I'm never gonna be able to get my "Bisexual lady perks" again. Every hug would be awkward, every time.

Fuck you Jo, just fuck you.

HAHA no.

Nobody is gonna read this blog. Ever. Hahaha shows how insignificant I am in the world. So if I die nobody is gonna be sad. Even mom said that. "If I die will you be sad?"
"Die die lor."

Yeah, very sensitive mom. But she can't be sensitive about what she doesn't know. Meaning she meant it, and it was what she really thinks. So I'm sorted for my parents. As to friends... They'd find new ones. They'll be fine. So I have literally no reason not to die. Awesome. Yeah it's so awesone. Except, the window grilles are always locked, the school keeps their rooftop gates locked ever since my last attempt (which was two years ago, in a different school, which didn't make the papers, but still), so all I've got is that gas stove and a pair of scissors. And kitchen knives. I still want something more efficient so I don't have to suffer more than I am now. I texted Echo but she hasn't replied. I guess I still have trouble saying a simple "I love you" before I end it. Hell, the only person I have a crush on is straight and won't ever love me back but still. Jo is great, I know he is. I like him, I love that guy. But he knows that. So he'd be okay. But Echo? Echo would never know how I feel about her. And I'm scared I won't ever have the chance to. Why is it so hard to confess to her... Because she knows I'm Bisexual? Because she is freaking perfect? Because I care for her so much that I don't know how to feel.

I love you Renee/Echo/Eskyla. I love you. I love you. I love you. And when I say that I mean I want to marry you kind of love you. But you won't ever love me back... You won't...

Sigh.. I'm lost.

So now what

I faked sickness to get out of going to school today. I owe fifty teachers five million worksheets, what else could I have done. I don't know. I don't know. I'm confused and afraid. I don't want to step out that door, I don't ever want to have to put on that uniform and walk out the door again. Please don't make me do this, please don't make me go see the councillor, she'd only use me as a case study, nothing more. To them I'd only be a subject to be studied, under the ruse of them trying to help. I don't know anything anymore. I'm scared, I'm lost. I'm so scared of what people would think when they see me walk out of that office, or worse, walk in. I'm nervous all the time, when I go out in public or when I talk to people or I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW! I'M SCARED I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

Please... If you're reading this, I'm scared. I need help...

Somebody... Please help me. Tell me what I should do. Tell me what I should do to end this cycle without going to the councillor. But nobody reads this blog anyway. I'd probably be dead before anyone reads this.

Should I, should I not

I might have exaggerated a little when I told my teacher about my condition. But I refuse to tell my parents. I refuse. I refuse to tell the school councillor, who is only going to take me as a case study. He swore that the counsellor was a "good person". SHE'S GETTING PAID. OF COURSE SHE WOULD BE. I'm so confused. I hide under my bed every day, afraid. I don't hallucinate so much anymore, which is good. Sort of. I still panic a lot. I'm trying to recover but I can't. Breathing only makes it worse and I don't understand why. I'm scared, I'm lost. I don't know what to do. I need help but I'm scared to ask for it. I don't know what's causing it so would people think I'm faking it? A lot of things happen and you don't know why. Most of the time there's no explanation to things. SOME THINGS DON'T MAKE SENSE. Example number 1 : My existence doesn't make sense. Example Number 2 : My life doesn't make sense.

So nothing makes sense. It is true. Nothing you do makes sense. Nothing makes sense.

Nothing.

Ever.

Will.

Make.

Sense.

Fuck I'm gonna die.

BAD END : Epilogue

I backed out. I was too scared. I couldn't... jump off. I was so scared like the last two times I tried. Maybe I should just slit my throat. But ah... I feel like I need something quicker, you know?

Do you know how I feel?

My mother... SHE THINKS SHE UNDERSTANDS. SHE THINKS HER SILLY NONSTOP WORRYING AND RESEARCHING IS A PANIC ATTACK. She doesn't know how it feels... I don't blame her... BUT THINKING IT'S NOT SERIOUS?! I hallucinate about the world changing at my feet, I believe that people with giant dragon heads are coming to burn me at every corner of the street. I can see monsters on an empty street, a woman with an umbrella; a champion with her sword... I hallucinate every day... Does she...? DOES SHE?! NO. SHE DOES  NOT. SO HELL IF IT'S NOT SERIOUS. HELL IS MERCY FOR ME. I AM LIVING A LIFE WORSE THAN HELL.

I WANT TO DIE!!!

If I jumped from here, will I find myself in a better place...?

Well. Only one way to find out...

Daily Life; Deadly Life

Today, I felt away from myself. I think it was the prospect of hanging out with two people that are close friends, and you don't actually feel like you belong anywhere.

I had more panic attacks, which was funny because the exams are over. It felt like heart attack and... I'm scared it'd kill me one day. I feel so suffocated, trapped. I'm so scared. I'm so afraid of it. I don't ever want to go out again. What if I die outside. What if, what if I die. Or what if I go crazy and have to be admitted to an asylum? I don't want... I don't want to die... I'm afraid.

Please...

Somebody help me.

Well, Tomorrow has arrived

So today I got locked out of most of my games, but I managed to get back on most of them except LoL, Wonderking and Maple. *cries silently in corner*. I am gonna have to recreate my accounts. Dammit. Oh well.

Anyway I signed up for Smite because of one guy in particular... *Glares at Haru*. So in the end... I am on Smite after all. Sigh.

So today's a new day. Tonight is tomorrow. So yeah cool. I'm feeling good. Today is my last paper, so I can play Minecraft now yay~

Probably gonna get drunk. Haha just kidding I'm a minor what am I talking about. (Damn I can't wait to be 21...)

So... Yeah. This concludes today's journal entry.

-Kyoko OUT-

Signed

Kyoko Sora
A.k.a
Amelia Esqueleto

What a day.

WONDERKING, Y U NO UPDATES.
MAPLESTORY, Y U LOCK MY ACCOUNT.
MINECRAFT, Y U NO CONNECTION.
EDEN ETERNAL, Y UR BROWSER SO SMALL.
LoL, Y U NO LET ME LOG IN.
WoW, Y U NO LET ME SIGN UP.
SMITE, Y U NO LET ME SIGN UP.

INTERNET, Y U HATE ME SO MUCH?!

Hello, Tomorrow's another day

Hey it has been a full year since I came here and only 209 views. Brilliant. And I'm sure that the first 100 are from me checking it every day. Wow. I'm probably never gonna finish Alice Mackenzie Kerning, nobody's reading it anyway. Like seriously. I moved to Wattpad where most of my fanfictions are. It's pretty cool. They're all Yogscast Fanfiction so... Yeah. Zoethian and Nanocoffee. Only. Oh and I have one Adopted by the Yogscast fanfic. But they're all kinda lame. Also two original works that I have writer's block on. Yay. If by some miracle somebody's interested, my wattpad name is KyokoSora, profile pic has a white rose on it. Wrote one story called Light In Darkness, one called Don't Leave Me Here Alone. That's all ya needa know to find me.

Still playing tons of Mincraft. 5hours a day. With Yumi and Echo, my two best friends. They're cool people. I mean, I mostly just run around building random crap. I still have no idea what I am doing.

I had a literature paper today, it was fun. I think Literature is the only exam paper I'd ever find fun. I only managed to get 95% on Lit before. Only literature... For some odd reason. Anyway, I suck at Math. Seriously. I have a phobia of math.

Last Monday after Math I had a major panic attack because I thought I'd fail. I don't know the results yet, but I had a really bad panic attack. I just lost it and embarrassed myself in front of the whole class. I screamed instead of crying. I screamed and screamed until I was in so much despair, I could barely make a sound. You know how rabbits are like, quiet and you can't even hear them if they are screaming? That's how I was. I couldn't scream. I just... couldn't. Jo, my friend had to keep holding on to me and walk me home for the attack to end. He seemed to be the only thing that stops an attack so far. But it was mortifying. I never wanted to step into the classroom again. I kinda stopped talking to the class, except for Vivian. So yeah.

Anyway, props gonna upload one more story before I end it. Maybe one on a Zombie Apocalypse, haha I don't know. I'd probably upload it halfway before stopping again at the second chapter.

Well, till next time.

Kyoko OUT.

Signed

Kyoko Sora
A.k.a.
Amelia Esqueleto.

Lost - Poem

As I stare down into the chasm,
I wonder if this was right.
"Ride into the night,
My brave little outcast."

So I jump down,
Plunging into the dark,
And for a second I see a spark.
Run towards the light, never turn back.

But curiousity kills the cat,
Like how it is killing me now.
So now I stand alone, wondering how.
How can I find my way again.

And then I realise,
That I'm all alone,
I sit in the depths of the unknown,

And I realised that I'm lost