I've been away from this blog for a few months. And I must say a lot of things have changed around here. On my end. Let's start from where I left off.
The June holidays about a week since my last entry about five months ago. I had drama camp. I became an Exco member in drama. I'm Publicity Manager now. No longer "Drama Member". The camp was cool. I was Safety Officer and only had one major injury to attend to. I am awesome.
(I messed up on that job never make me Safety Officer or your life would be in danger. Forgot the First-Aid kit more than twice.)
My hair was a mess in camp. It wouldn't dry out and there weren't any hairdryers. I used a hand drying thing instead by sticking my head underneath it. All the Juniors were staring. Still didn't dry. Blame the weather. There isn't much memorable about camp though, although we did have a haunted house for the School's Family Day event. That was fun. I was a Chinese ghost, cosplayed as Flux!Nanosounds from the Yogscast. My act involved screaming at people after they walked past. That was fun. They freaked and ran really fast after that, so I hope that was the freakiest part. Mum and my Aunt got scared, maybe it was. Hope so. But all that screaming resulted in a sore throat and a lot of honey. It was worth it in the end though. I had fun.
I got past my Sexuality crisis. I'm Bi. Definitely Bi. Could be Pan, but I haven't come across a trans yet. But honestly, I wouldn't mind being with anyone. Maybe I am pan after all. I dunno. More research required in the field before I really understand what my sexuality is. At least I ticked "Straight" and "Lesbian" off the list.
I never talk about Yumi here, for some reason. Somehow she's been the one in the background even as my life surrounds her. She's the one who kept pushing me on after all. I don't give the poor girl enough credit. She's brilliant, beautiful, kind. Yumi actually gave me the strength to carry on. I think I would've punched the old me in the face for ever considering suicide. It was so stupid of me and I am so glad I never did it. I don't know if she saved me. I think I was already okay before she came in. I just needed a final push to find all the pieces of me. She took care of me, spent time with me even though she had other people who are likely to be worth more of her time. (Like Anna. That girl's a legend. But more on her later.) I realise that I have always overlooked what was going on around me. So preoccupied with what was going on with me, I became blind. Now I can see. Yumi's that friend I never gave credit for. And I'm so lucky to have her, and I love her with all my heart.
We're not dating. But I would love to date her. What can I say? I have a crush on Yumi now. Took me a while.
I never talk about Anna either. She's like the old me, the 'me' I would've facepalmed at and then punched. But not Anna, I'd never punch Anna. I'd hug her instead. The old me. Harsh, rude, blunt, self-centered... I don't think I'd ever truly forget my past. And Anna is the same. It was me all over again, and I can see it happening in her. Anna... She's lonely. She's been the outcast for a long time. Maybe longer than I had, but I've been the outcast all my life.
(Though Anna's a year older so maybe)
She cries too. She looks strong, but Anna cries. I used to cry like that too. I still do, sometimes. But the difference is with me and her is that nobody noticed me. But I noticed Anna. How could I ignore it? The tone, the harshness... It was me again. I saw the signs. How can I ignore it, when I could see the signs of someone falling down into this endless pit?
Honestly, I see my past in Anna. My entire life in another person, older than me. I realised how much a friend could impact a person. And I never had a friend like Anna or Yumi or Echo. I was always alone until this year. I didn't mind it at first because I thought that was it. That was my life. That I was cursed to be lonely forever and nothing could save me. I was a lone wolf who could never find a pack that accepted me for who I was. I was like the Moon moon of every clique I tried. "Oh god who brought fucking Kyoko along." "See how nice it is when we don't bring Kyoko along?" I always got those. Always. All my life. From when I was in Primary school - maybe even before, but my memory doesn't go that far - until around Sec 2. And I hated it. I despised it. I wished for a friend I cried every time I realised I've been played for a fool. And then I began to think it was something to do with me. But then I realised that finding friends was a thing where we trial and error. You can't walk into a clique thinking they'd accept you. Somehow, every clique and every single storm that had broken you would change you in a certain way until you find the pieces of yourself again and fit them back properly. You find yourself. And in the meantime, maybe you'd find your friends. It could happen before, or after. Sometimes the friends you're looking for has the pieces. Who knows? It's funny, you know how you're always looking for something but never find it no matter how hard you look, but when you're not looking for it it magically appears? That's how friendship is like. The more you chase it the more it evades you. But if you turn your attention to other things, it'd come sit softly on your shoulder.
I really started putting effort in being a good friend to Anna… Because of some things.
Okay I'd admit. I didn't like her. I thought she was loco. Batshit crazy. And mean. I didn't quite like her until I looked back at myself. I was the same. And when I got to know her better… She wasn't that bad. She wasn't bad at all. She was my friend from then on. Not exactly close, but I decided I'd be nice to people. So I stuck around, trying to get to know Anna better.
You know how sometimes you watch someone walk away, and you suddenly see a lot of things? The way they just walk away without looking back and it just hits you.
That happened when one day I just happened to walk back with Anna one day - more out of courtesy than anything else - and we talked about stuff. And slowly as we talked I started to realise how she would cut herself off sometimes when she got excited, like she was shutting herself down. I used to do that a lot, because people shut me down. And then I started to see me in another form. In the form of a 16-year-old fellow Potterhead. I saw more of myself. The apologising, the sense of humour, the slightly harsh wording because of the lack of ability to think of a better way to phrase things mostly due to the lack of experience in speech. It was me all over again. And then when Anna had to leave I watched her walk away and it just hit me :
She never turned back to look. It's a huge body language. Because you don't think you mean enough to someone to look back and see them watching you leave. Or that they mean enough to look back at either. Because so many storms has broken you and you just think that there's no point. Why bother, because they're all going to leave anyway. And suddenly I remembered every lunch period when I went to look for Yumi I saw Anna. Always there. She was never with other people, just PJ and maybe some other people. And it just hit me so fast it completely bypassed thought. I mark it as the day I realised how much of an ass I was. I was such a complete arse. How could I have missed this? All of that body language, every time I saw her. I call myself observant but I missed out all these huge signs and hints. When I thought about it I remembered myself. Sec 1, Isolation, Ostracism and Bullying. Sec 2, Isolation and Ostracism. It got better, no doubt, but it still hurt like a b*tch. Primary school? All of the above. Cliques? Yeah right. Friends? Didn't have them. I was lost but I didn't even know it. And so Anna is here and I don't want her to be like me, needing to crawl out of the pit someone put me into without anyone to support. I didn't have a friend who saved me as a whole. I saved half of myself. And now I see Anna and you think I can ignore that? I decided to be that friend. That friend I always waited for but never came. I have a policy of "if it doesn't exist do it yourself" and so I did. If I wanted it done right I had to do it myself.
So I became that friend. That friend who did her best to help cheer someone up, who helped divert attention from the sad things to something happier. I used my writing skills to cheer someone up and I realised how a simple "You're Awesome" could really brighten someone's day. And when Anna talked about I listened and I understood as much as I could. I don't always get everything. But I try my best. I try to make things better, just by a little bit. If I could make you feel better, even just a little, a teeny little atom bit happier, I would do whatever it took. Because that's the kind of friend I always wanted to have and always wondered existed. And if I thought : "If I could be that friend, just maybe I could find that happiness. Maybe I'd find that friend I always wanted."
But now the motive has changed. I don't need that friend any more. Because my whole life what I've been trying to find was myself. I'm now that friend because it's who I realised I was best at being. I'm not a person with a comedian sense of humour, I can't make people laugh out loud just by saying a few things. But I could word things that made people smile. Or I could at least try. I don't know how much I could make you smile but if I could make you crack a small one, or make you giggle at how ridiculous I sound… I would do it. Because that's the kind of person I want everyone to have. That's the person I want everyone to be able to have, to lean on, to depend on to hear them out. Who'd laugh with them, who'd cry with them. Who'd always be there in general. And when I looked at Anna I realised that she was the person who needed someone like that. And I wanted to be that someone for her. Because something so simple, something that could come in the form of myself… I would. I hate seeing people sad. And for someone who used to always be thay sad person who never had anyone, I wanted to be there for people because I didn't want them to experience the things I had to go through any longer. If I had the power to make them feel happy, like they're worth something, I would use it. And I would tell them that they mean so much to me. They are my world. My everything. Because without them I'd be nothing.
Yumi fixed me. Echo pushed me on. And Anna... Anna gave me some sort of enlightenment, haha. I love them so much. I really, really do.
-Kyoko OUT-
