HAHA no.

Nobody is gonna read this blog. Ever. Hahaha shows how insignificant I am in the world. So if I die nobody is gonna be sad. Even mom said that. "If I die will you be sad?"
"Die die lor."

Yeah, very sensitive mom. But she can't be sensitive about what she doesn't know. Meaning she meant it, and it was what she really thinks. So I'm sorted for my parents. As to friends... They'd find new ones. They'll be fine. So I have literally no reason not to die. Awesome. Yeah it's so awesone. Except, the window grilles are always locked, the school keeps their rooftop gates locked ever since my last attempt (which was two years ago, in a different school, which didn't make the papers, but still), so all I've got is that gas stove and a pair of scissors. And kitchen knives. I still want something more efficient so I don't have to suffer more than I am now. I texted Echo but she hasn't replied. I guess I still have trouble saying a simple "I love you" before I end it. Hell, the only person I have a crush on is straight and won't ever love me back but still. Jo is great, I know he is. I like him, I love that guy. But he knows that. So he'd be okay. But Echo? Echo would never know how I feel about her. And I'm scared I won't ever have the chance to. Why is it so hard to confess to her... Because she knows I'm Bisexual? Because she is freaking perfect? Because I care for her so much that I don't know how to feel.

I love you Renee/Echo/Eskyla. I love you. I love you. I love you. And when I say that I mean I want to marry you kind of love you. But you won't ever love me back... You won't...

Sigh.. I'm lost.

So now what

I faked sickness to get out of going to school today. I owe fifty teachers five million worksheets, what else could I have done. I don't know. I don't know. I'm confused and afraid. I don't want to step out that door, I don't ever want to have to put on that uniform and walk out the door again. Please don't make me do this, please don't make me go see the councillor, she'd only use me as a case study, nothing more. To them I'd only be a subject to be studied, under the ruse of them trying to help. I don't know anything anymore. I'm scared, I'm lost. I'm so scared of what people would think when they see me walk out of that office, or worse, walk in. I'm nervous all the time, when I go out in public or when I talk to people or I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW! I'M SCARED I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

Please... If you're reading this, I'm scared. I need help...

Somebody... Please help me. Tell me what I should do. Tell me what I should do to end this cycle without going to the councillor. But nobody reads this blog anyway. I'd probably be dead before anyone reads this.

Should I, should I not

I might have exaggerated a little when I told my teacher about my condition. But I refuse to tell my parents. I refuse. I refuse to tell the school councillor, who is only going to take me as a case study. He swore that the counsellor was a "good person". SHE'S GETTING PAID. OF COURSE SHE WOULD BE. I'm so confused. I hide under my bed every day, afraid. I don't hallucinate so much anymore, which is good. Sort of. I still panic a lot. I'm trying to recover but I can't. Breathing only makes it worse and I don't understand why. I'm scared, I'm lost. I don't know what to do. I need help but I'm scared to ask for it. I don't know what's causing it so would people think I'm faking it? A lot of things happen and you don't know why. Most of the time there's no explanation to things. SOME THINGS DON'T MAKE SENSE. Example number 1 : My existence doesn't make sense. Example Number 2 : My life doesn't make sense.

So nothing makes sense. It is true. Nothing you do makes sense. Nothing makes sense.

Nothing.

Ever.

Will.

Make.

Sense.

Fuck I'm gonna die.

BAD END : Epilogue

I backed out. I was too scared. I couldn't... jump off. I was so scared like the last two times I tried. Maybe I should just slit my throat. But ah... I feel like I need something quicker, you know?

Do you know how I feel?

My mother... SHE THINKS SHE UNDERSTANDS. SHE THINKS HER SILLY NONSTOP WORRYING AND RESEARCHING IS A PANIC ATTACK. She doesn't know how it feels... I don't blame her... BUT THINKING IT'S NOT SERIOUS?! I hallucinate about the world changing at my feet, I believe that people with giant dragon heads are coming to burn me at every corner of the street. I can see monsters on an empty street, a woman with an umbrella; a champion with her sword... I hallucinate every day... Does she...? DOES SHE?! NO. SHE DOES  NOT. SO HELL IF IT'S NOT SERIOUS. HELL IS MERCY FOR ME. I AM LIVING A LIFE WORSE THAN HELL.

I WANT TO DIE!!!

If I jumped from here, will I find myself in a better place...?

Well. Only one way to find out...

Daily Life; Deadly Life

Today, I felt away from myself. I think it was the prospect of hanging out with two people that are close friends, and you don't actually feel like you belong anywhere.

I had more panic attacks, which was funny because the exams are over. It felt like heart attack and... I'm scared it'd kill me one day. I feel so suffocated, trapped. I'm so scared. I'm so afraid of it. I don't ever want to go out again. What if I die outside. What if, what if I die. Or what if I go crazy and have to be admitted to an asylum? I don't want... I don't want to die... I'm afraid.

Please...

Somebody help me.

Well, Tomorrow has arrived

So today I got locked out of most of my games, but I managed to get back on most of them except LoL, Wonderking and Maple. *cries silently in corner*. I am gonna have to recreate my accounts. Dammit. Oh well.

Anyway I signed up for Smite because of one guy in particular... *Glares at Haru*. So in the end... I am on Smite after all. Sigh.

So today's a new day. Tonight is tomorrow. So yeah cool. I'm feeling good. Today is my last paper, so I can play Minecraft now yay~

Probably gonna get drunk. Haha just kidding I'm a minor what am I talking about. (Damn I can't wait to be 21...)

So... Yeah. This concludes today's journal entry.

-Kyoko OUT-

Signed

Kyoko Sora
A.k.a
Amelia Esqueleto